I just noticed that I haven’t been trying to meet any girls lately.

今晩は /konbanwa!! / Good Evening ( actually morning since it’s already 0.43 am )

Me being bisexual and all. I was talking to my ex-girl and she’s doing okay with the girl she said they like her. (lol) She’s a sexy/short asian girl of course they like her! I was really into her though but it wasn’t really working  out, some how it never does with me. ( I wonder why.. xD )

Now guys, don’t drewl all over your keyboards haha =)  

Hmmm, I don’t know.., I guess I was too occupied with lots of other things, I should get my groove on with them girls nahmean? ( lol) My brother was so happy when I was dating her. He was like “yeah bring your girls over here.” crazy!

Sex with a womam is the shit, you should try it!! ( lol )

Haaa !! hmm, I think I need sex, haha lol but no, I think I really do, c’mon let’s be honest. Sometimes you just need it right? ( at least I do T_T ) ya’ll probaly think I’m a 14 year-old pervert. ( YOU GOT THAT RIGHT LOL !! ) I’m just honest and open about my sexuality like I think more people should. =)

It’s not working out.

Me and my current boyfriend, I don’t know this is gonna sound odd ( maybe ) but I don’t think it’s working out between me and him. Like, how it’s going now, I never had a relationship like that really.. Maybe it’s just me but I’m so not used to this.. I don’t think it’ll last long like this..

hmmm today was borng stayed home with a tummyache and was rocking a mean Afro! ( lol )

DUMB IT DOWN/ おやすみなさい! / Oyasumi Nasai!

I always wanted to sing,

but never had the force to pull through it all to focus.. What am I saying? I was like 10 years-old back then now, I started singing like it’s my life after I got introduced to the Japanese music from Utada Hikaru. The first song I heard was “COLORS“, I didn’t like it a first, it was so different, and so I went on to find out who this Utada Hikaru person was, the second song I listened too was “Be My Last” and went on and on untill I found her english work I was amazed by her style it was so Utada Hikaru, nothing more nothing less.

See I always thought that the music industry will not allow you to be You in your music,

so I never really wanted to pull trough but after seeing Utada Hikaru, I made my decision: I will Sing.
So I went on and on singing and after a while started writing too, I first started writing-over. Uguu ~,, let me explain that to me writing over is like writing lyrics while you’re listening to a song and those lyrics are the base of your lyrics.. kinda, I guess (lol) but since the music was japanese and I didn’t understand SHIT, I could use my -8 degrees celcius freezed down imagination to write lyrics… Days pass lyrics pass, and I went from shallow love songs ( R&B-ish ) to deep poethical lovesongs. => meaning PROGRESS!! (lol hahah )
So now, I’m deeply focused on gettin’ myself OUT THERE! It’s hard I need a studio and a whole lot of stuff, planning to buy a keyboard soon, so It’ll turn out fine.. ( I guess xD )

A little freestyle:

” I want to ask for forgiveness, I’ve done so much wrong, It’s true that I haven’t always been who people expect me to be, therefore I am proud, I haven’t been born to please others.. That’s one thing I have learnt on this goddamn planet .. ! “

Lol that didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be…. Ghegheghe ^^

Also, I want to learn japanese so right now I’m focused on learning the simple Hirigana and Katakana, after that I’ll do the rest..

I also love anime like : “Paradise Kiss, Lovely Complex ( rabu-kon ) , Bokura Ga Ita, Gokusen, NANA, & Clannad. I’ve watched more but I can’t remember, also I love J-Music, Big Bang ( korean ), Son Dambi ( korean ), Sushi ( The food not a band T_T and it’s japanese ), Bubble Tea, Writing Poems, Stare at the rain at night, Stare at the morning skies, doing stretches, download & buy ( yess I also buy =] ) music, spend time with friends, watch J-drama like Zettai Kareshi and gokusen , play star wars on playstation 2, bloggin’ , making people laugh, dance, sleep, be lazy like panda, Sing infront the mirror like I’m in a conert, making strange noises, see things other people don’t see, hate on people on youtube, making a book out of translated japanese lyris and print them, polish my toenails, slap my little cousin ( he’s a pain in the ass half an hour with him and you’ll feel teh same xD ), talking on msn naked after taking a shower and turn on teh webcam ( the webcam was a joke you Hetai!! 0.0 ) , run around the house with my hair undone, sleep late ( like today it’s 2.24 am and I’m bloggin’/ actually it should be sleep early xD lol) , go to the beach, travel with public transportation, using werid emoticons on MSN like : T_T, 0.0, *.*, ^^, >.<, =), =(, =], =[, and using ~! all the time and say Uguu~ >.< whenever I don’t know what to say, making lists out of everything, wearing weird cloths combinations, wear big earrings, collect flyers, collect magazine that u can get for free, skateboard, Learing japanese, eating icecream, bully my brother, get money without doing nothin, read thick books, getting to know stuff, being a smart-ass, write on my walls, and writing things and put them in a collection map, look at merchendice on the internet, do my make up like a ganguro, doing sit-ups, network with people on the internet, practice my singing and my favorite thing to do ever is being Me !!!

WHAT A LONG GODDAMNLIST =| Gomen >.<!

the part about being a smart ass;

A dear friend once asked me:

“What is the kapital of Korea?”

So I replied:

“Uhmm… K.”

hahaha lol gghegeheg ^^

the singing part :

( the guy is my EX-boyfriend, long story, but we weren’t together in the vid.)

The make up part: NATURAL => NO MAKE-UP

WITH MAKE-UP:

OKAY!! I’m Off To Bed =)

DUMD IT DOWN/ OYASUMI!

05.45 am

Not trying to not think about you,
Not trying to do think about you,
Some how mornings are my favorite part of the day,
Waking up early, we do have that in common,
I enjoyed waking up next to you as much as I enjoyed the purple morning sky,
I was thinking about you this morning before I went to bed,
Some how the memories you gave me as a present are the memories I went to bed with,

You enchanted me like the heavy summer rain does,
In the night when the moon is high and the sky is black,
I can stop gazing at the heavy tears of the sky,
being with you is like that,
not an obsession,
but a passion for some one who made me feel like the heavy summer rains does.

I woke up with a white paper mind,
Ate with a white paper mind,
Stepped in the shower and collapsed,
The heavy thoughts that had to do with you cut me like knife,
I wanted to sing, but I didn’t want anyone too hear my pain,
I couldn’t see the difference between the tears and the well-cleaned water,
Wich in one way was good…

I tried to confince myself that I was crying over a minor thing,
But I knew that I wasn’t it,
I was crying because I miss the person who I was on the phone with for 33.42 minutes…

Besides that I am lying to myself and him,
But I want to say he made me enjoy life more,
I love him,
he knows, I think,

Stopped a lot since I’m missing him,
I tried to do it again,
I was so passionate,
But without him it just feels like I can’t…

“Let’s Play Hide And Seek, But Don’t Forget To Forget Looking For Me. I Don’t Want To Be Found. You Just Make Me Want To Be A Man, Just So I Would Understand You More Than I Used To Do, Nothing Lasts Forever. But It Feels Like We Didn’t Even Try, Maybe We Did. Maybe I Didn’t Try Hard Enough. I Just Feel Like You Should Know, Even Though You Stepped On My Hand, It’s Still Strong Enough To Not Let You Go.” - I keep saying that to myself.

All I Know Is I Feel Like I Need Him.

This song reminds me of myself. I would be the girl from the hotel.  See, I always placed myself in the position I didn’t want to be in. For like 2 times the guys I actually fell in love they both had a girl at that moment. Even though me and the guy we’re sleepin’. So I had to front and act like we ain’t sleepin’. Had to smile to her face after she kisses him. Act like friends even though you love him like your man and you know she can’t compare to you but still he’s with her.

I don’t ever want to be in that position again, cause if you see the end of the vid, that’s how it ALWAYS ends.

so ladies, don’t be frontin’ on yourself, don’t sleep with a guy who has a girl, don’t date or do anything, IT WONT WORK OUT. ( that’s what I know from my experience. )

No Poem, just the song.

DUMB IT MOTHERFUCKING DOWN!

HELLOOO WOORLLDDD ~!!!!

” Jealousy Lies Within The Human Nature.” - Cailin. ( me )

Am I right or am I wrong? I guess everybody has been jealous sometime. At least I did, but I’m not the kind of girl that gets jealous over girls hanging around my boyfriend or something. I’m not even jealous about not having the newest freshest shit in the world and other people do. I’m jealous about people achieving things I can’t. Like people being able to do stuff in their music like performing and stuff. My mom and me we’re talking about my music so far, and I’ve been singing for about 8 months and I actually did achieve a lot, but not everything that I wanted to achieve. Maybe I’m expecting too much from me. Maybe I’m not expecting enough from me… Had enough of sitting on my ass too, I want to do something!! So what to do about it? I don’t know actually, I just need to get my shit right I guess.

(btw. I can sing christina aguilera, jojo and some other “go hard” people’s songs.. So I actually did made some progress)

Old Pic Of Me In The Train I Was Pissed Off ‘Bout Something..

Some one is sill neglecting me..

KNOCKED UP ? wuhauah noo..!! Ya’ll know the movie right? Knocked up, it was kind of funny cause I started taking the pill yesterday. It’s not for a special reason, just because I want EXACTLY to know when I’m in my period and because I like taking drugs. ( lol that was a joke -_-” ) So we ( me, my mom, my bro. ) were watching and I was thinkin’ what if I would get knocked up, would I keep it or not? I have no idea, but for now I don’t want no kids for a while noir do I want to be in that position.

Jealous.

Who decides when you’re in love?
Who decides when you’re alright?
Who decised that life is how it’s supposed to be?
That person is me.
When jealousy strikes me will you keep me save?
Will you be the person telling me I can do better?
Will you be the one screaming; Go Baby!?

 DUMBITDOWN!!

“Even though though we’re still in the first phase, I know this is going to be different. He’s in love ‘nd I’m feelin’ him. This is going to make me wild into feeling for him. Right now I’m still kind of unsure about the whole Mr. Jones ( dead one ) thing. I mean like I was really into him and don’t understand why I’m kind of  feeling feeling for the 2 misters Jones. I also don’t get why I’m at school. I don’t know shit so why? I don’t know maybe just to kill time, I guess. Instead of making tests I make lyrics, Music is my motivation. But not when it comes to school.I AIN’T NO SUPER HERO. “Robots and skateboards, nigga? Dumb it Down! ” “

Like this pic, hot shit!

I wrote that in class today, I feel so useless. Been skipping class a lot lately.

Let’s go to the future… So, Me & Mr. Jones? I hope so, for one reason I feel like we really should get together. We were talking on the phone last night ‘nd we were just honest. I told him it feels like we all ready going steady but just that no one said the words yet.. which is kind of odd to say, I didn’t want him to think I was suggesting anything, you know? So let the future be heavenly blue, cause we be chillin’ on cloud nine, nahmean?

So….I’m at his place and he’s at school, waiting for it to be 4.30 PM so I can pick him up. I have a tummy ache =(

QUESTION!! : Will Me And Mr. Jones Be?

NIGGA ANSWER ME!

DUMB IT DOWN~!!

I Feel Like This Right Now.

Some how a lot changed these 2 weeks. Old Flow Is The Best Flow? After one week not seeing Mr. Jones I got strong enough to say FUCK IT!. I couldn’t walk for a week and he didn’t even had the balls to pass by. So I was talking to this friend ( I actually mean “friend“) and we kind of hooked up again.  So EF-YU-CE-KAY Mr. Jones! I found a good boy, with good meanings and I already feel better.

So with this new guy let’s call him.. uhmm.. Mr Jones too. By the way let’s see this Mr. Jones thingy as a name for any new guy I like. ( don’t get me wrong ) so the old Mr. Jones is dead and the new one is born today so all older posts than this one are about the DEAD Mr. Jones.

So my new Mr. Jones all ready met my mom, he’s a rapper/singer/songwriter/producer and some more. To me his simply Mr. Jones; the guy I like.For now we both want to take it slow. If we start something I want it to be strong. My mom likes him, so he’s probably okay! =) But some where I’m not totally sure if the dead Mr. Jones is really dead. I’m afraid I’ll get weak the moment I see him.( the DEAD mr. Jones. ) We’ll see I guess… All I know is that even as friends the DEAD Mr. Jones is really neglecting me the last 2 weeks. What An AssHole.

Anyway my music is going down down down down.. I have nowhere to record, seriously need to get my shit right, see a lot of people contacting me to do something but nothing happening.. and it’s killing me, but I’ll see what I can do.. Pffff life’s a shitty mess to me right now. Except for the new Mr. Jones. School is going bad too.

I spend time with Mr. Jones today and saw Sidney the new born for the first time too. I almost screamed ADOEHHH~! ( my word for cute ) but we was sleeping. He’s The CUTEST!

No Poem Today, Just listen to the song.

Thank You.

DUMB IT DOWN.

I just finished my previous blog The Past. Alcohol. and starting this one.

I just want to say, I had a great 2 weeks of vacation, my first real vacation. I really had mad fun. To all my friends; Chibbie, Shelby, Knowlidge and Luka. You really made my vacation way better.

So yeah I bought a skateboard on Tuesday and I’m really dedicated to the skating. I really want to get better at it, it’s something I wanted to do for a while, but never had the chance to do it. So the board was 80 bucks. I payed 40 bucks and my friend Knowlidge payed 40 bucks. It was the nicest thing. No one ever did something like that for me, not even my dad.  It’s A blue skateboard from the Speeddemons lable, it was a complete board.

So back to the real personal deal…

I got a weakness for this Mr. Jones, he makes me feel good and fucked up at the same time. Even though he made clear that he wished he could change the way I feel for him. I understand, but the things he does makes me think different. I don’t know maybe I’m just tripping or wanting it so bad that I’m thinking that, but I don’t know. I just want to be the one waking up in morning looking at him as he is waking up. We did sleep together and stuff and it feels so good being around him, waking up next to him, holding him, kissing him & making love with him. * shy * I don’t want us to be like this though, we can be more. I don’t think it’s the ” that thing ” that’s always stopping me from being with some one. I just guess it’s hard on me to be me for me, if you get it. What I’m trying to say is, he understands me, I understand him, I want him, but don’t know if he wants me beyond what we are now.

He told me he wanted to settle down. At that moment I felt so low, unwanted and sad. I didn’t feel good enough for him.

We’ll see how it works out, for now he’s the only one I really want, I mean I NEVER EVER felt like this. I did feel close to it, but this is way stronger.

Weakness.
I once felt close to what I am feeling now.
It was exactly the same situation.
Now that I think of it.
I should know I should stop.
I just can’t.
I don’t want to feel like I’m losing this person.
I don’t want to go through the same story again.
I had a weakness for this other guy.
I forgot him.
I have a weakness for this guy.
I love him.

Dumb It Down.