The Newest And Youngest GoGoKid. Sidney

Born On Mothersday 11th of May.

Congratulations Panda, Lia, Amal, Peter, Mom, the Scary Auntie And The GoGoKidsz.

I just finished my previous blog The Past. Alcohol. and starting this one.

I just want to say, I had a great 2 weeks of vacation, my first real vacation. I really had mad fun. To all my friends; Chibbie, Shelby, Knowlidge and Luka. You really made my vacation way better.

So yeah I bought a skateboard on Tuesday and I’m really dedicated to the skating. I really want to get better at it, it’s something I wanted to do for a while, but never had the chance to do it. So the board was 80 bucks. I payed 40 bucks and my friend Knowlidge payed 40 bucks. It was the nicest thing. No one ever did something like that for me, not even my dad.  It’s A blue skateboard from the Speeddemons lable, it was a complete board.

So back to the real personal deal…

I got a weakness for this Mr. Jones, he makes me feel good and fucked up at the same time. Even though he made clear that he wished he could change the way I feel for him. I understand, but the things he does makes me think different. I don’t know maybe I’m just tripping or wanting it so bad that I’m thinking that, but I don’t know. I just want to be the one waking up in morning looking at him as he is waking up. We did sleep together and stuff and it feels so good being around him, waking up next to him, holding him, kissing him & making love with him. * shy * I don’t want us to be like this though, we can be more. I don’t think it’s the ” that thing ” that’s always stopping me from being with some one. I just guess it’s hard on me to be me for me, if you get it. What I’m trying to say is, he understands me, I understand him, I want him, but don’t know if he wants me beyond what we are now.

He told me he wanted to settle down. At that moment I felt so low, unwanted and sad. I didn’t feel good enough for him.

We’ll see how it works out, for now he’s the only one I really want, I mean I NEVER EVER felt like this. I did feel close to it, but this is way stronger.

Weakness.
I once felt close to what I am feeling now.
It was exactly the same situation.
Now that I think of it.
I should know I should stop.
I just can’t.
I don’t want to feel like I’m losing this person.
I don’t want to go through the same story again.
I had a weakness for this other guy.
I forgot him.
I have a weakness for this guy.
I love him.

Dumb It Down.

People always ask me why I don’t drink and why I hate people being drunk around me. It’s simple, I had a bad experience with alcohol.
I was 4/5 and my brother 5/6 years-old and it was late, we were in bed. Suddenly we heard something and went down stairs my father was throwing stuff at my mom. As my father started to get aggressive from the alcohol, my mom tried to escape.

She grabbed me and as she was running she tried to grab my brother, but he was glued to the ground because of fear, I guess. So my mom went outside and when she was outside she noticed my brother wasn’t running with us.. So she let me go and grabbed him and took me and ran out the backgarden and through the back alley of the gardens from our block. My dad was drunk and closing in on her, she let us go and my dad grabbed her.

Me and my mom.

As he was kicking, punching and slapping her, all she did was roll up like a little bal, covering her face, stomach and chest. Me and my brother were watching the whole thing on the side, it was like a fight game, but without the fun. So a lot of people were standing there, they called the cops, but didn’t try to get in between. My mother tried to get up and get away, but it didn’t work out.

The cops came, my mom went to the hospital, my dad got arrested, we saw our mom once that day after the fight; right before she went to the hospital. We had to sleepover at the neighbours. The next day we had to go to school, my mom walked in to the classroom with J.Lo Diva Shades on. The teacher walked towards her and as my mom shook his/her hand and took her shades off. I’ll never forget the way my teacher’s face changed.

SO THAT’S WHY I DON’T LIKE ALCOHOL AND DRUNK PEOPLE.

I gave that whole experience a place, my brother got traumatised and got silent after the whole thing.

It could be worse, right? I don’t want ya’ll to be like : ” awhh, that’s so sad ” and bullshit like that. It’s happend that’s it.

Alcohol.

Something that’s looked at as a simple drink.
For one it’s a nice night out.
For the other it’s the end.
Rape, Murder and doing things you don’t want to.
Those are the consequences for those,
who can’t handle it.

DUMB IT DOWN.

Hello~!

How are ya’ll? I had a great day on queensday and the day after queensday. Except for one thing. ” we needa talk.” We did and I prepared for wors-case scenario, but some how I don’t feel really down. I told him how I felt about us. So, now he knows. He said that he thought I was acting about how I was feeling. We talked on and on and probaly nothing changed. Too bad, he said he wish he could change that feeling, I some where wish that too.

I am a weak person and I know he knows that. Nothing going to change because the word ” no” towards him is like impossible. This present kind of sucks for me. T_T
I always want what I can’t have, bad habit, I guess..

I tried to capture a feeling in a photo. I Feel Lost.

So what now? I don’t know. I confessed my love ( sounds like a typical shojo anime =P ) and know he knows, will something change. I just don’t know. Let’s finish my story with a poem, like I said in my previous blog post this poem is called selfish.

Selfish.

Is it selfish to make me happy?
I always try to make those around me happy.
My own happiness is a failure, can’t help myself.
Selfish how I try to make him understand.

A little kid is what I am.
Grown-Up in her mind, but for the rest she’s nothing.
I just can’t stop myself from being me.
You accept me for me.

Selfish how I hoped you would understand.
Selfish how the world judges.
Selfish how I feel confused.
Because I know you weren’t honest.

I know you don’t want to hurt me.
I’m not trying to make you mine instantly.
I feel like I know more about you than you know about me.
We should fix that.

Selfish, what we did.
Selfish, this hope I have.
Selfish, how I fell in love even though I know your flaws.
Selfish, how you can control me.

Next Poem Will Be Called Weakness.

DUMB IT DOWN~!

It Takes A While To Load The Picture, Pleade Be Patient. =) This was my first text-art. It’s a Pencil-Text.

This is the original, too bad you can’t read everything, I made this in the libary.
text ;

• An empty mind isn’t worth thinking.
• A shadow… another dark piece of me I don’t want to have.
• WisDom Is Power ( “dom” is stupid in dutch )
• Water… The New Coke!
• SHH!
• art-fart!~
• Inspi’ By Amira =P
• Cailin Berend ¬¬
• 愛してる… ( ” aishiteru ” on the head, meaning I love you )

 The Black version is the version I like more, so I post that one too =)

 Dumb It Down!

I’m not like any other girl. 14 Years old, living in Amsterdam, doing what she has to do.

I have a lot of blogs. ( just google me =) ) and this one is about MY PAST, PRESENT and FUTURE.  You don’t have to understand. It’s okay. So what I’m going to do. My past entries are for members only. The rest will be public. So If you’re really interested be a member and follow my journey. I’m going to end every post with a poem. Today’s poem is called Visualize.

visualize.
This world is a hole for those who don’t understand.
This world is a hole for those who will understand.
Now visualize a world where we are equal but still lower than the other.
Now visualize a world where we are helpful for those who need it.
NOW VISUALIZE A WORLD WHERE WE ARE AS ONE.

Guess you don’t understand, do you?
See, this world as it is today isn’t a world where we will change.
Selfish is the name of the next poem.
But this one will stop today.

That was the poem. Thank you for reading. =)

DUMB IT DOWN.